Release date: April 27, 2011
Written by: Stephen J. Long President Vision Investigative Services (http://www.blogger.com/www.privatecop.com)
Private Investigator Talks about Marital InfidelityWho hasn't read an article about marital infidelity, or now, some new services that provide marital mates via the internet? For years these types of stories have been
lead articles on multiple web browser home pages. Recently, attention was given to one firm that actually provides surreptitious meetings for married men to meet
married women, or women meeting men. On its face, this particular site (and others) appear to have some sophistication. What they fail to realize is that by calling
attention to venues such as these, they also raise suspicions within married families or with couples that are in committed relationships. They also call immediate
attention to legitimate investigative firms who respond to these salacious ads with the greatest of dispatch much the same as would an anti-virus software firm might
respond to a new virus.
For decades surveys have been conducted which suggests that the rate of female infidelity has met, and in some research stories, now exceeds the philandering
practices of married men. It is truly sad commentary that a lesser amount of media is dedicated to those in committed relationships and marriages. The trend, it
appears, is more about the excitement...the adrenaline rush of those who chose to brutally rob their marriage of unbridled trust, than the comfort of a committed loving
family.
Notwithstanding the fact that "Cheating" has occurred since the beginning of time, it was once, at least in general, a man thing. Before the 1950's revolution of women
taking jobs to assist with family expenses, it was the husband who had the opportunity to ignore his sacred marriage vows, i.e., business trips, conventions, business
dinners and the like. Most families had only one car which further hindered the wife, who as the daily sole charge of the home and children was hindered in seeking
extramarital entertainment. To do so in her own neighbor-hood would have maximized the probability of detection. We all know that the very best deterrent to anything
illicit or illegal is the absolute certainty of being caught. That consideration holds true even more so than the potential penalty of detection. Heaven knows, the chatter
existed in all neighborhoods that Mrs. Jones was an easy woman, but it often remained uncorroborated...perhaps, and most probably because it was simply untrue.
Military men were generally pre-sented with 'Dear John" letters which, especially if the serviceman or servicewo-man was overseas, made mailing such a letter far less
difficult than a face to face, "You are dumped" conversation/confrontation. Nonetheless, cheating was going on and being a veteran of the Vietnam war, I have firsthand
knowledge of ser-vicemen who came home after a one year tour of duty to a pregnant wife or girlfriend. There was no e-Mail or social networks wherein the service
person might have had a little warning that something might be amiss in Hometown, USA. These considerations are certainly not intended to suggest that infidelity did
not occur, yet during those wonderful years, divorce was less than two thirds of its current rate. Unplanned babies generally resulted not only in an untimely manner,
they also, at least typically, ended with a "Forced" marriage. Yet, many of those marriages persevered and cheating was never a part of them. Catholics almost always
stayed married even in the most toxic relationships.
While clubs gained most of their notoriety during the roaring 20's, they grew ex-ponentially in the 1960's and certainly during the disco years of the mid to late 1970's. In
the workplace, more women were exploited sexually by superiors than any of us might ever imagine, and who can't recall reading about the infamous "Casting couch" in
Hollywood? The victims of this sexual exploitation, for the most part, would never discuss this sexual blackmail in fear of being branded a liar, or a troublemaker, and
then terminated. The author writes this, not from some empirical knowledge on this subject...in fact, he was there in full witness to this depravity and marital carnage. It
was not funny then....it is even less humorous today especially with the explosion of STD's, including, and especially H.I.V. The damage exacted on the victims was,
and remains incalculable. Yet, all of this was secretive, its sleaze often masked by the fear of the victims.
Things have changed, and those changes are measurable, productive, and were quite overdue. Equal rights, women's rights, civil litigations, (sexual harassment suits),
and human resource departments have meted out some vicious and de-served pain/punishment on those marital interlopers who occupied every part of business
including, and especially in corporate boardrooms. There are few sec-rets anymore, and even in politics they threaten all who dare to "Cheat." In es-sence, employees,
employers, and politicians now get caught, fired, sued and in many cases, imprisoned for their misguided salacious appetites. Our most recent luminary, John Edwards,
it seems, is about to find out just how serious his misad-ventures will cost him. A prominent lawyer who won fortunes for his clients (and himself) in medical malpractice
suits, a respected United States Senator, a south-ern gentlemen, the father of four adoring children and a former candidate for the Vice Presidency of the United States of
America, married to a beautiful, dedicated wife and lawyer, the late Elizabeth Edwards now knows what it costs to be un-faithful. His affair, which led to the birth of a
child was carried on as his wife suf-fered in silence as she dealt with the intrepid cancer that ultimately took her life. This example was chosen because Mr. Edwards was
certainly in a position of power and had all of the resources available to him to mask his illicit relationship. An aide had even offered to lay claim to this child born out of
wedlock in this now seedy affair, and yet he was unmasked and is now awaiting the decision of a fed-eral grand jury to determine if he will stand criminal trial on charges
that he mis-used campaign money to quiet his paramour.
It might, and it should make each and all of us wonder just how well we might hide our infidelity.
Tiger Woods failed miserably at keeping the secret...but then again, given the number of partners that he supposedly had made detection almost mandatory. Married to
arguably, one of the world's most beautiful women, Elin Nordegren could not understand why he would cheat....why he had to be so promiscuous. Those events cost Mr.
Woods tens of millions of dollars not to mention his marriage and children who will always know what their dad did to their mother. Has anyone noticed that his golf
game has suffered as well? Then there is Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. And, just look at some of the women that were involved with both Mr. Woods and Mr. James.
Does the excitement associated with infidelity cause some people to completely lose their minds? I am not going to pretend that I know either Ms. Nordegren or Sandra
Bullock, but I will say that there are no sets of circumstances that would have me in the arms of some of, and probably all of the paramours chosen by Tiger or Jesse as
they trampled on their marriage vows.
It is not just the Hollywood and senatorial/congressional types that get caught and punished. Mark Hurd held the top spot at Hewlett Packard until he was fired for doing
something inappropriate. There was a woman involved in that termination and while that circumstance (which is a relatively well guarded secret) might not have involved
an extramarital event, it does suggest that no one is immune from being caught and punished for breaking the rules.
Having been a private investigator who will soon start his forty third year in prac-tice, I can all but assure you that Mrs. Edwards knew, long before it was con-firmed, that
her prominent husband, the man who had just a few years prior, stood before a national audience and preached fairness and honesty in politics, that something was
amiss. In a classic case of chutzpah, he even renewed his marriage vows with his wife at the exact same time that he was cheating on his wife. In my decades of
investigation, it has been a rare, nay, a very rare instance when a husband or wife proved to be wrong with their suspicions of infidelity. There are numerous
observations and mannerisms to consider and process when deciding whether or not a spouse has been, or is being unfaithful. Most of those that are published are
laughable since some or all of them may apply to the most faithful of spouses, but I suppose they make for entertaining reading and are, thus published. Sammy the
Sleuth may have written that we should look at our spouse's phone bills, check their text messages, see if they change their fragrances, keep a keen eye on sudden
"Required" extra time at the office, do they end calls when you walk in the room, see if they are using a heretofore unknown social network, do they now cut their hair
differently, spend money on a new wardrobe....and, the lists go on and on. And I say...nonsense, pure nonsense! I also say, you will know when your spouse is
cheating, at least in most cases, unless you just don't want to know. Indeed, there are rare exceptions, and yet, each time I have detected a secret liaison, and then
shared the details with a client, each and all of them then confide that they knew something was wrong. "Something was wrong?" First of all, they did not know it, that is
why they hired my firm. That is the very first question that I ask a client. Do you ever think that something is wrong? Allow me to affirm, there is nothing stronger than
feminine intuition, and over this past decade, men are slowly catching up. I suspect the laggard male response is somehow directly related to the fact that cheating, for
the longest of times, was more of a male, than a female thing. That has now clearly, and quite sadly changed. Please, do not misinterpret this statement that it is
somehow more sad that women now betray their marriages than they did in the past. What is sad is that instead of the male morality decay being cleansed, more females
have become part of the marital morass. This epidemic of the fe-male abdication of marital fidelity and trust is quite real and growing. In some youthful circles, it is met
with adulation by the "sinners" peers. "How cool is she......she is seeing John before she goes home to hubby and kids"? Ostensibly, there is a corollary between job
commitment fifty years ago vis–à–vis today, and marital fidelity. Jobs became careers and people stayed with the same company for a lifetime. Most all marriages lasted
a lifetime as well. Not so anymore.
Currently, the internet provides access to illicit relationships...it is of course a rev-enue stream much the same as pornography proved to be an economic boon to those
who dared venture into it. There are far more professional people, psy-chologists, psychiatrists, marriage and family counselors and divorce attorneys who will tell you
that pornography has been a scourge on our youth, and in our marriages, more so than just about any other singular issue with one excep-tion...Infidelity. Yes, that's
the one that stands in the forefront in the disintegra-tion of marriages and relationships. More than drugs, alcohol, gambling, money...., infidelity stands in the forefront
at destroying marriages. This is not to suggest that a man or woman who might get all of their sexual self gratification from pornography as opposed to finding the
comfort and pleasure of each other's minds and bodies would not also desensitize their marriage into ultimate divorce. There are a great number of physiologists and
family counselors who do quite well financially with patients with this very problem. It is this very problem that created the need for software makers to invent software
to detect whether or not someone is visiting a pornographic, or other, site(s). Investigators are frequently asked to provide, and then attach hi-tech contraptions to
computers to determine what sites are being visited by a spouse or children. These requests are generally fueled by a spouse who might question her sweetheart's loss
of sexual appetite. In many circles, viewing pornography is deemed cheating by a spouse. And, why shouldn't it be? A loss of sexual consortium often drives husbands
and wives to divorce court. One thing is certain, over exposure to pornography can often leave a suspecting spouse to believe that their partner is cheating on them.
As an investigator I will share with you the one secret thing that you really need to know if you plan on cheating. If your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend
calls me, you will get caught...., I will catch you, of that you may be very sure, and if history continues as it has, you will pay a very big price. Investigators, and their
mind numbing and voluminous self serving stories will often teach you just enough to make you believe that you might somehow skirt the inevitable disclosure of your
moral frailty, but they won't tell you everything. I certainly won't. They will also tell you just enough to tease many people into thinking that maybe their loved one is
cheating. Perhaps that's good business, yet it encourages capitalizing on peoples misery...it may plant suspicions which should have never existed which is neither
healthy or ethical. Oftentimes, the information that they provide prompts distrust that should never have existed in the first place. It stimulates their business and
there is little to differentiate these investigative charlatans from those who peddle smut and invite extramarital (alleged) safe havens such as the new web-sites
mentioned earlier in this story. The very best, and certainly the most sage advice that I have ever given a friend, or an acquaintance that was considering having an
extramarital affair was, "Don't do it....you will get caught, and it will end your relationship." For those acquaintances and friends who have confided that they were
already involved in a relationships outside the marriage, I've had only one thing to say....."End it...Now!"
The indices of deceit in all marriages are so plain and clear that the lion's share of these relationships will terminate, some sooner than later. An ethical investigator will
gather some very basic information from the concerned spouse......a photo-graph of the spouse/suspect, what does he/she drive, where do they work, what are their work
schedules and most importantly, why do you suspect your spouse of cheating. Typically, in a very short period of time, you will have photo-graphic/videographic
evidence to prove the events, or your fears will be allayed, which is always a happy ending that the investigator and client alike most favor. Licensed investigators with
a tenured record will charge more than an investigative hobbyist, but will always conclude the case in brief order. If you ever feel the need to engage an investigator,
get a contract outlining the services, make sure that the investigator's firm is licensed, and never hire anyone who suggests that he might do something outside all state
and federal laws. Should the investigator violate the law with your knowledge, the risk may be shared by both you and the investigator. Be sure to check state laws
before using video (nanny cams) cameras. There are restrictions as to where you can use them, even in your own home. In terms of what evidence you might gather, a
lying spouse, while not necessarily being photographed in a compromising position, may be, and probably is cheating anyway. Always ensure that the investigator that
you employ treats all material as sacrosanct, and that it is never distributed to anyone other than you without your permission and direction.
lead articles on multiple web browser home pages. Recently, attention was given to one firm that actually provides surreptitious meetings for married men to meet
married women, or women meeting men. On its face, this particular site (and others) appear to have some sophistication. What they fail to realize is that by calling
attention to venues such as these, they also raise suspicions within married families or with couples that are in committed relationships. They also call immediate
attention to legitimate investigative firms who respond to these salacious ads with the greatest of dispatch much the same as would an anti-virus software firm might
respond to a new virus.
For decades surveys have been conducted which suggests that the rate of female infidelity has met, and in some research stories, now exceeds the philandering
practices of married men. It is truly sad commentary that a lesser amount of media is dedicated to those in committed relationships and marriages. The trend, it
appears, is more about the excitement...the adrenaline rush of those who chose to brutally rob their marriage of unbridled trust, than the comfort of a committed loving
family.
Notwithstanding the fact that "Cheating" has occurred since the beginning of time, it was once, at least in general, a man thing. Before the 1950's revolution of women
taking jobs to assist with family expenses, it was the husband who had the opportunity to ignore his sacred marriage vows, i.e., business trips, conventions, business
dinners and the like. Most families had only one car which further hindered the wife, who as the daily sole charge of the home and children was hindered in seeking
extramarital entertainment. To do so in her own neighbor-hood would have maximized the probability of detection. We all know that the very best deterrent to anything
illicit or illegal is the absolute certainty of being caught. That consideration holds true even more so than the potential penalty of detection. Heaven knows, the chatter
existed in all neighborhoods that Mrs. Jones was an easy woman, but it often remained uncorroborated...perhaps, and most probably because it was simply untrue.
Military men were generally pre-sented with 'Dear John" letters which, especially if the serviceman or servicewo-man was overseas, made mailing such a letter far less
difficult than a face to face, "You are dumped" conversation/confrontation. Nonetheless, cheating was going on and being a veteran of the Vietnam war, I have firsthand
knowledge of ser-vicemen who came home after a one year tour of duty to a pregnant wife or girlfriend. There was no e-Mail or social networks wherein the service
person might have had a little warning that something might be amiss in Hometown, USA. These considerations are certainly not intended to suggest that infidelity did
not occur, yet during those wonderful years, divorce was less than two thirds of its current rate. Unplanned babies generally resulted not only in an untimely manner,
they also, at least typically, ended with a "Forced" marriage. Yet, many of those marriages persevered and cheating was never a part of them. Catholics almost always
stayed married even in the most toxic relationships.
While clubs gained most of their notoriety during the roaring 20's, they grew ex-ponentially in the 1960's and certainly during the disco years of the mid to late 1970's. In
the workplace, more women were exploited sexually by superiors than any of us might ever imagine, and who can't recall reading about the infamous "Casting couch" in
Hollywood? The victims of this sexual exploitation, for the most part, would never discuss this sexual blackmail in fear of being branded a liar, or a troublemaker, and
then terminated. The author writes this, not from some empirical knowledge on this subject...in fact, he was there in full witness to this depravity and marital carnage. It
was not funny then....it is even less humorous today especially with the explosion of STD's, including, and especially H.I.V. The damage exacted on the victims was,
and remains incalculable. Yet, all of this was secretive, its sleaze often masked by the fear of the victims.
Things have changed, and those changes are measurable, productive, and were quite overdue. Equal rights, women's rights, civil litigations, (sexual harassment suits),
and human resource departments have meted out some vicious and de-served pain/punishment on those marital interlopers who occupied every part of business
including, and especially in corporate boardrooms. There are few sec-rets anymore, and even in politics they threaten all who dare to "Cheat." In es-sence, employees,
employers, and politicians now get caught, fired, sued and in many cases, imprisoned for their misguided salacious appetites. Our most recent luminary, John Edwards,
it seems, is about to find out just how serious his misad-ventures will cost him. A prominent lawyer who won fortunes for his clients (and himself) in medical malpractice
suits, a respected United States Senator, a south-ern gentlemen, the father of four adoring children and a former candidate for the Vice Presidency of the United States of
America, married to a beautiful, dedicated wife and lawyer, the late Elizabeth Edwards now knows what it costs to be un-faithful. His affair, which led to the birth of a
child was carried on as his wife suf-fered in silence as she dealt with the intrepid cancer that ultimately took her life. This example was chosen because Mr. Edwards was
certainly in a position of power and had all of the resources available to him to mask his illicit relationship. An aide had even offered to lay claim to this child born out of
wedlock in this now seedy affair, and yet he was unmasked and is now awaiting the decision of a fed-eral grand jury to determine if he will stand criminal trial on charges
that he mis-used campaign money to quiet his paramour.
It might, and it should make each and all of us wonder just how well we might hide our infidelity.
Tiger Woods failed miserably at keeping the secret...but then again, given the number of partners that he supposedly had made detection almost mandatory. Married to
arguably, one of the world's most beautiful women, Elin Nordegren could not understand why he would cheat....why he had to be so promiscuous. Those events cost Mr.
Woods tens of millions of dollars not to mention his marriage and children who will always know what their dad did to their mother. Has anyone noticed that his golf
game has suffered as well? Then there is Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. And, just look at some of the women that were involved with both Mr. Woods and Mr. James.
Does the excitement associated with infidelity cause some people to completely lose their minds? I am not going to pretend that I know either Ms. Nordegren or Sandra
Bullock, but I will say that there are no sets of circumstances that would have me in the arms of some of, and probably all of the paramours chosen by Tiger or Jesse as
they trampled on their marriage vows.
It is not just the Hollywood and senatorial/congressional types that get caught and punished. Mark Hurd held the top spot at Hewlett Packard until he was fired for doing
something inappropriate. There was a woman involved in that termination and while that circumstance (which is a relatively well guarded secret) might not have involved
an extramarital event, it does suggest that no one is immune from being caught and punished for breaking the rules.
Having been a private investigator who will soon start his forty third year in prac-tice, I can all but assure you that Mrs. Edwards knew, long before it was con-firmed, that
her prominent husband, the man who had just a few years prior, stood before a national audience and preached fairness and honesty in politics, that something was
amiss. In a classic case of chutzpah, he even renewed his marriage vows with his wife at the exact same time that he was cheating on his wife. In my decades of
investigation, it has been a rare, nay, a very rare instance when a husband or wife proved to be wrong with their suspicions of infidelity. There are numerous
observations and mannerisms to consider and process when deciding whether or not a spouse has been, or is being unfaithful. Most of those that are published are
laughable since some or all of them may apply to the most faithful of spouses, but I suppose they make for entertaining reading and are, thus published. Sammy the
Sleuth may have written that we should look at our spouse's phone bills, check their text messages, see if they change their fragrances, keep a keen eye on sudden
"Required" extra time at the office, do they end calls when you walk in the room, see if they are using a heretofore unknown social network, do they now cut their hair
differently, spend money on a new wardrobe....and, the lists go on and on. And I say...nonsense, pure nonsense! I also say, you will know when your spouse is
cheating, at least in most cases, unless you just don't want to know. Indeed, there are rare exceptions, and yet, each time I have detected a secret liaison, and then
shared the details with a client, each and all of them then confide that they knew something was wrong. "Something was wrong?" First of all, they did not know it, that is
why they hired my firm. That is the very first question that I ask a client. Do you ever think that something is wrong? Allow me to affirm, there is nothing stronger than
feminine intuition, and over this past decade, men are slowly catching up. I suspect the laggard male response is somehow directly related to the fact that cheating, for
the longest of times, was more of a male, than a female thing. That has now clearly, and quite sadly changed. Please, do not misinterpret this statement that it is
somehow more sad that women now betray their marriages than they did in the past. What is sad is that instead of the male morality decay being cleansed, more females
have become part of the marital morass. This epidemic of the fe-male abdication of marital fidelity and trust is quite real and growing. In some youthful circles, it is met
with adulation by the "sinners" peers. "How cool is she......she is seeing John before she goes home to hubby and kids"? Ostensibly, there is a corollary between job
commitment fifty years ago vis–à–vis today, and marital fidelity. Jobs became careers and people stayed with the same company for a lifetime. Most all marriages lasted
a lifetime as well. Not so anymore.
Currently, the internet provides access to illicit relationships...it is of course a rev-enue stream much the same as pornography proved to be an economic boon to those
who dared venture into it. There are far more professional people, psy-chologists, psychiatrists, marriage and family counselors and divorce attorneys who will tell you
that pornography has been a scourge on our youth, and in our marriages, more so than just about any other singular issue with one excep-tion...Infidelity. Yes, that's
the one that stands in the forefront in the disintegra-tion of marriages and relationships. More than drugs, alcohol, gambling, money...., infidelity stands in the forefront
at destroying marriages. This is not to suggest that a man or woman who might get all of their sexual self gratification from pornography as opposed to finding the
comfort and pleasure of each other's minds and bodies would not also desensitize their marriage into ultimate divorce. There are a great number of physiologists and
family counselors who do quite well financially with patients with this very problem. It is this very problem that created the need for software makers to invent software
to detect whether or not someone is visiting a pornographic, or other, site(s). Investigators are frequently asked to provide, and then attach hi-tech contraptions to
computers to determine what sites are being visited by a spouse or children. These requests are generally fueled by a spouse who might question her sweetheart's loss
of sexual appetite. In many circles, viewing pornography is deemed cheating by a spouse. And, why shouldn't it be? A loss of sexual consortium often drives husbands
and wives to divorce court. One thing is certain, over exposure to pornography can often leave a suspecting spouse to believe that their partner is cheating on them.
As an investigator I will share with you the one secret thing that you really need to know if you plan on cheating. If your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend
calls me, you will get caught...., I will catch you, of that you may be very sure, and if history continues as it has, you will pay a very big price. Investigators, and their
mind numbing and voluminous self serving stories will often teach you just enough to make you believe that you might somehow skirt the inevitable disclosure of your
moral frailty, but they won't tell you everything. I certainly won't. They will also tell you just enough to tease many people into thinking that maybe their loved one is
cheating. Perhaps that's good business, yet it encourages capitalizing on peoples misery...it may plant suspicions which should have never existed which is neither
healthy or ethical. Oftentimes, the information that they provide prompts distrust that should never have existed in the first place. It stimulates their business and
there is little to differentiate these investigative charlatans from those who peddle smut and invite extramarital (alleged) safe havens such as the new web-sites
mentioned earlier in this story. The very best, and certainly the most sage advice that I have ever given a friend, or an acquaintance that was considering having an
extramarital affair was, "Don't do it....you will get caught, and it will end your relationship." For those acquaintances and friends who have confided that they were
already involved in a relationships outside the marriage, I've had only one thing to say....."End it...Now!"
The indices of deceit in all marriages are so plain and clear that the lion's share of these relationships will terminate, some sooner than later. An ethical investigator will
gather some very basic information from the concerned spouse......a photo-graph of the spouse/suspect, what does he/she drive, where do they work, what are their work
schedules and most importantly, why do you suspect your spouse of cheating. Typically, in a very short period of time, you will have photo-graphic/videographic
evidence to prove the events, or your fears will be allayed, which is always a happy ending that the investigator and client alike most favor. Licensed investigators with
a tenured record will charge more than an investigative hobbyist, but will always conclude the case in brief order. If you ever feel the need to engage an investigator,
get a contract outlining the services, make sure that the investigator's firm is licensed, and never hire anyone who suggests that he might do something outside all state
and federal laws. Should the investigator violate the law with your knowledge, the risk may be shared by both you and the investigator. Be sure to check state laws
before using video (nanny cams) cameras. There are restrictions as to where you can use them, even in your own home. In terms of what evidence you might gather, a
lying spouse, while not necessarily being photographed in a compromising position, may be, and probably is cheating anyway. Always ensure that the investigator that
you employ treats all material as sacrosanct, and that it is never distributed to anyone other than you without your permission and direction.
Stephen J. Long, now semi-retired, is the president of Vision Investigative Services in Santa Rosa California. He will enter his forty third year of his investigative
profession in June, 2011. He has lectured throughout the United States, Mexico and the West Indies to colleges, investigative groups, national corporations, bar
associations and public defender's offices for over forty years. He is an eminent court qualified polygraphist and has been a staff instructor at three American Polygraph
Association approved schools. He served as president of the California Academy of Polygraph Sciences on two occasions in the 1980's. Mr. Long also lectured at the
National College for D.U.I. Defense at Harvard University. He has been published in dozens of professional publications.
profession in June, 2011. He has lectured throughout the United States, Mexico and the West Indies to colleges, investigative groups, national corporations, bar
associations and public defender's offices for over forty years. He is an eminent court qualified polygraphist and has been a staff instructor at three American Polygraph
Association approved schools. He served as president of the California Academy of Polygraph Sciences on two occasions in the 1980's. Mr. Long also lectured at the
National College for D.U.I. Defense at Harvard University. He has been published in dozens of professional publications.
